Jerry Seinfeld’s Classic Routine on Supermarkets

Larry David: The 5 Second Rule

George Burns & Goldie Hawn

"I Get No Respect": 10 Great One-Liners From Rodney Dangerfield

1. I get no respect. A travel agent told me I could spend seven nights in Hawaii… no days, just nights.

2. I get no respect. My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

3. I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

4. I get no respect. Every day the elevator attendant asks me the same thing ... Basement?

5. I get no respect. I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

6. I get no respect. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

7. I get no respect. For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

8. When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents divorced there was a custody fight over me. No one showed up.

9. As a kid I got no respect. Kidnappers sent my parents a note saying, "We want $5,000 or you'll see your kid again."

10 I get no respect. Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

Jerry Seinfeld Disses Blackberry

Jackie Mason: Jews and Gentiles

10 One-Liners by Rita Rudner On Men and Dating

1. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

2. A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

3. To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."

4. The time spent grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

5. Some people think large breasts makes a woman stupid. Just the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

6. My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

7. Men who leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

8. Men reach their sexual peak at 18. Women at 35. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

9. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

10. Men with a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain & bought jewelry.