10 Favorite One-Liners From Jerry Seinfeld

1. I like the tiny soap you get in hotels. I pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.

2. A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

3. You're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, “See if you can blow this out.”

4. I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup.

5. I was the best man at a wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

6. There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know.

7. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

8. It's amazing the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

9. Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. Don't stare at it. Too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

10. Make no mistake about why babies are here. They're here to replace us.